Doggy Style
by Shilyn
Summary: Rated for language maybe naughty stuff later. Short scenarios with dogs in pop culture or reality. Ever wondered what would happen if Inuyasha met Caesar the Dog Whisperer? Would IY or Sess win in a dog show competition? Did Sessmom like it doggy style?


A/N: I was bored and this was lying around. So up it goes. This is the first of what I have planned to be short "chapters," of comedy sketches with a running theme of dog humor. Dogs in pop-culture I guess.

This idea came to me randomly; it probably came to me when I was reminiscing about great South Park episodes. The best one of all time (in my opinion) was one where The Dog Whisperer came to pacify Cartman. And he was the only thing that could work. I don't know if anyone else ever had this idea but there is this guy, the AMAZING Caesar Milan who comes into any household with any crazy dog and within a day, sometimes within minutes, he has the dog walking sedately on a leash, trotting at their master's side. No more barking, no lunging at other dogs, no biting, nothing. He tackles everything from wetters, to possessive Chihuahuas, dangerous guard dogs, and different types of anxieties. You've probably heard or seen him before, but if not, seriously, youtube him or something because this guy is freaking amazing.

I am going to write this to the best of my ability as accurately as I can, though considering IY it's going to be a challenge…I've watched enough Caesar Milan that I think I can do it. I'm going to write this less in a narrative style and more in a sort of episodic/script format which is different from my usual style so here goes.

Disclaimer: I do not own them

* * *

_On this episode of The Dog Whisperer,_ _Kagome Higurashi of Tokyo Japan has a dog she just can't handle. _

Tape footage: Kagome Higurashi, a teenager in a green and white school uniform, walks casually down a white pavement sidewalk. At her side the white haired, red-robed, dog-eared Inuyasha strolls with his arms lifted and crossed behind his head—seemingly relaxed. A large diesel bus drives by, blowing gray exhaust and rumbling. Inuyasha growls and lunges aggressively at the bus as it slides by. Kagome shouts and pulls on his sleeves, trying to restrain him.

(Scene change)

Sitting on Kagome's floor, Inuyasha grins as he holds Buyo the cat upside down and bounces him. A short distance away Gramps shakes his head and scolds him, "What are you doing to the cat? Leave Buyo alone."

Inuyasha ignores Gramps completely, if anything his harassment gets worse as he turns Buyo around and pushes his face into the cat's. Inuyasha curls his lips up and flashes his sharp teeth. Gramps taps Inuyasha with a rolled up newspaper and Inuyasha turns, snapping at him. "What the hell'd you do that for old man?"

(Scene change)

At the dinner table Inuyasha wolfs his food down, knocking it off his plate and making a mess on the tablecloth with the gravy. When he's swallowed all the meat on his plate, Inuyasha peers over at Kagome's plate. While she is speaking to her mother, Inuyasha reaches over and steals her food. Kagome yells at him and tries to grab her steak back from him. "Hey! I was going to eat that Inuyasha!"

Inuyasha moves the food away from her and turns his back toward her. "Feh! You snooze you lose, bitch."

Onscreen Kagome discusses her dog. She sits beside her mother, her brother, and Gramps.

"When I first met Inuyasha he was very skittish. He'd been hurt and I had to gain his trust. It took a long time, but it was worth it. I don't know what I'd do without him." She cuts herself and pauses to smile. Her cheeks break out in a blush.

Souta continues on in his sister's place, leaning in toward the cameraman. "But he's out of control all the time! He chases cars, he's always barking at people and he runs away from home after Kagome."

"And he's always breaking things! He has no respect for property!" Gramps chimes in.

"Most of the time those are just accidents because he's kinda clumsy…" Kagome starts, attempting to defend him.

Mrs. Higurashi looks to the camera immediately after her daughter speaks and says, "I don't know what Caesar can do for us, really. Inuyasha is so stubborn—but I think we're all ready to give it a try."

(_Dog Whisperer_ Intro. Caesar Milan: "I rehabilitate dogs, I train people. I'm the dog whisperer.)

Caesar Milan half-walks, half-jogs up the long stairway of the Higurashi shrine. At the top, beneath the torii gate, Kagome and Mrs. Higurashi wait for him, smiling.

"Hello," Caesar meets them, returning their smiles. He extends his hand and Mrs. Higurashi comes forward shyly to accept his greeting. He shakes her hand. "Mrs. Higurashi," he says, making sure he has the right person. When she nods Caesar turns to Kagome with fresh interest. As he extends his hand for her to shake he asks, "And you are the owner of the dog?"

Kagome smiles nervously, "Uh, yeah."

"Kagome then," Caesar says. "Nice to meet you ladies. It's a long walk to get up here!"

Mrs. Higurashi laughs. "Yes."

"Well," Caesar claps his hands together and rubs them, "let's get busy. Where's Inuyasha?"

"I left him in my room with some food to distract him," Kagome says.

"Oh," Caesar says, smiling. "Clever girl."

They walk over the long yard, past the God Tree and the well house. It is a bright, clear sunny day with a light breeze. The Higurashi house is quiet on the outside. There's no sign of the troubled pooch within, but Caesar has already adopted his pack leader energy as Mrs. Higurashi and Kagome show him inside through the sliding door.

Gramps is reading a newspaper at the kitchen table. He glances up at Caesar Milan and his mouth falls open in joy. "The dog whisperer is here! Oh! At last! This shrine will finally be safe from Inuyasha again!"

Souta appears from playing video games in the living room. He also grins when he sees Caesar, but his reaction is different from Gramps. He grins with excitement. "Dude, you've really got your work cut out for you!"

They sit down at the table at Caesar's order. "So what seems to be the biggest problem?"

"Shouldn't we get Inuyasha first?" Souta asks. "He'll want to hear this for sure."

Caesar opens his mouth to speak but before any sound can emerge, Inuyasha's voice echoes through the house, yelling: "Yo! Kagome! Where'd you go? Kagome?"

"Never mind getting him, Souta," Kagome mutters. She puts her elbows on the table and rests her chin in her hands, letting her eyes droop partially closed with embarrassment, anticipating what is to come.

Caesar repeats himself, asking: "So what seems to be the problem with Inuyasha?"

A loud series of thumping noises comes from the stairs and Inuyasha rushes in from the living room, poking his head into the kitchen and sniffing loudly. He glares immediately at Caesar Milan, taking an instant dislike to him. He jabs one clawed finger at the dog whisperer. "Hey you! Hey! Who the hell are you?"

Caesar does not look up at Inuyasha, his attention remains on the Higurashi family and on the kitchen table though everyone in the kitchen has turned to stare at Inuyasha for his sudden, noisy appearance. "Don't acknowledge the dog," he tells them. "That's the very first rule. When he's looking for attention you must never acknowledge him." He reaches out and touches Kagome and Mrs. Higurashi's forearms to direct their attention back to him.

"Hey!" Inuyasha shouts, stomping forward. "Don't touch Kagome, asshole!" He taps Kagome's shoulder insistently like a spoiled child, trying to get her to look at him. "Hey! Kagome—who is this nutcase?"

Kagome runs her nails along the kitchen table and groans. "Caesar—he's really hard to ignore…"

"What the hell? Why are you ignoring me?"

"It's really important that you're in control of things, Kagome," Caesar coaches her. "You and your family have to come first as pack leaders. Right now Inuyasha is upset because I've come in here with dominant energy and he's trying to challenge me as pack leader because he senses that energy and sees it as a threat."

"Fuck you! Kagome this guy's an asshole." Inuyasha paws at her shoulder again but Kagome still doesn't turn to look at him. "What's your problem, Kagome? Kagome! Hello?"

Mrs. Higurashi chuckles, covering her mouth politely. "Are you sure about this, Mr. Milan? It's very hard not to talk to him."

"Hello? Kagome! Hey? Anybody? Hey asshole! Quit talking to them and get outta this house!"

"Yes," Gramps grumbles, giving in and glaring at Inuyasha, "can't we just hit him with a newspaper? Or perhaps a sacred sutra…"

"Your sacred sutras don't work, old man. Remember? Kagome tell this guy to piss off already…"

Caesar makes a hissing noise, trying to turn Gramps' attention away from Inuyasha to undo the damage. "Please Mr. Higurashi, don't acknowledge him, it only gives him power."

"I'll show you power you bastard!" Inuyasha at last loses all control and grabs Tetsusaiga. He unsheathes the sword and transforms it, lifting it above the kitchen table, but too close to the Higurashi family for comfort. Kagome and Mrs. Higurashi dart away from the table in one direction while Souta and Gramps move in the other, stumbling over each other as they try to get out of the way. Only Caesar stays in his spot during Inuyasha's show of bravado.

"How do you like that?" Inuyasha taunts, smirking proudly. He turns to glare at Kagome and demands, "Why would you listen to this whacko? Are you under some kind of spell…?"

While Inuyasha is talking he fails to notice that Caesar has risen from his spot and moved to stand next to him. Caesar Milan is a relatively short man; Inuyasha is taller than him, not even counting his dog ears. Caesar pokes Inuyasha's side with two fingers and utters a hissing sound: "_Pshht."_

Inuyasha flinches away from him, wide eyed and astonished. "Hey! What the hell are you doing touching me like that? Keep your hands off me, you creep!"

Caesar advances on him again, ignoring the massive size of Tetsusaiga. He pokes at Inuyasha. _"Pshht."_

"Stop that!"

"_Pshht._"

"What the fuck's your pro—"

"_Pshht."_

Inuyasha's voice grows fainter, losing all signs of cockiness. "Hey!"

"_Pshht."_ As Inuyasha pulls away, Caesar follows him, continuously poking and hissing.

Inuyasha stumbles backwards, bumping into Kagome. When he sees her, he drops Tetsusaiga and pulls her in front of him as a shield. Kagome objects, swatting at him, "Inuyasha!"

Caesar stops and turns to regard the rest of the Higurashi family. "Now we've uncovered a different problem. Not only is he needy, but he's also possessive of his owner."

"Fuck you!" Inuyasha shouts, but he has not emerged from behind the safety of Kagome's back.

Caesar steps forward and looks Kagome in the eye. "Trust me for a second here, okay? I want to get him away from you."

Uncertainly, Kagome nods. "Okay…"

From over her shoulder, Inuyasha's white ears are quivering like frightened birds. "Leave me alone!"

Caesar moves closer to Kagome and stares Inuyasha in the eye. The hanyou starts to growl, deep in his chest.

Beside her daughter, Mrs. Higurashi looks nervous. "Are you sure about this, Mr. Milan?"

"Absolutely," he replies. Caesar reaches out, as if about to touch Kagome's shoulder.

Inuyasha reaches out and slashes at him like a cat batting at a toy. "Get away from her!"

Caesar ignores him and takes another step closer. His hand inches closer to Kagome. Inuyasha growls and bares his teeth at him. His ears fall back flat against his head.

"See now he's warning me that he's going to bite because I'm crossing into his territory," Caesar explains, turning to the rest of the family.

"I am not his territory!" Kagome shouts, suddenly angry and blushing red hot. She swats at the hanyou hiding behind her and tries to shake off his hands on her shoulders. "Inuyasha let go of me."

"Feh!"

"Let go of me!"

"Fuck off!"

"Don't make me say it!"

Caesar Milan moves in then and pokes Inuyasha yet again. _"Pshht."_

That is the last straw as far as Inuyasha is concerned. He pushes desperately back from Kagome and runs out into the living room, growling and muttering under his breath.

Souta laughs and exclaims, "Whoa! How'd you do that, mister? That was amazing! You got him to leave Kagome alone and run away!"

"That was just me being the pack leader. And part of being the pack leader is not just punishing, but also disciplining." Caesar turned toward Kagome. "Now, from you Kagome I got a sense that you're almost pack leader. Inuyasha respects you because you punish him, but all dogs need a firm pack leader to be confident at all times. And that takes _disciplining_ too. Do you see the difference between the two?"

The Higurashi family all immediately replied with a unanimous: "No." "Not really." "What difference?" "In my day they were the same thing!"

"Punishment is _No, you did something bad._ Discipline is the pack leader energy, you direct the dog, you tell him how to behave, you tell him what is right and what is wrong. And all of you can be pack leader. Size and age don't mean anything in the dog world."

(Announcer): _After the break Caesar tackles Inuyasha's aggression and possessiveness, but it's not just the dog that needs training. Caesar lays down the law for the Higurashi family, next on the Dog Whisperer._

Tape Footage preview: Caesar stands in front of Buyo the cat, blocking Inuyasha from reaching him. Inuyasha advances with his ears laid flat and a snarl over his face, "Get the fuck outta—"

Caesar stabs at him with his two fingers, hissing. _"Pssht!"_

(Scene Change)

Caesar faces the Higurashi family grouped around the kitchen table, Inuyasha can be seen off to one side with his back turned toward the entire group and his arms crossed over his chest, clearly pouting. No one looks at him.

Caesar says, "Kagome—Mrs. Higurashi, you have to understand the mentality of the working dog. Inuyasha is a working dog. All owners are worried about hurting their dog's feelings, but really, Inuyasha doesn't view work as a chore, it's actually how he defines himself and his self worth. When he acts out ladies, he's _asking_ for something to do because he has so much pent up energy…"

In the corner Inuyasha's white ears swivel back with reluctant interest to listen and then he lets out a short, sharp grunt of surprise. "…_feh…"_

* * *

A/N: I was a little surprised to find in writing this that the Dog Whisperer describes Inuyasha very accurately. I am not making up most of his speeches. Dominant energy, needing a task, and then the underlying possessiveness of course. I don't know about you but I think it's fascinating but also just downright funny.

Hopefully I will add to this not just with Caesar but with something like a dog show. Haha, the inu-kanuba cup! Punny, punny.


End file.
